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"My story" 2012 |
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| Poly is short for "Polygamy", "Polygyny", "Polyandry", "Polyamory", "Polyfidelity", "Polyfaithful", "Polymonogamy" and more...
Hello, my name is CainO’
An associate told me a couple years ago that, “I was the most Poly non-poly person he knows”. That’s because I gave up being Polyamorous for Polyfidelity, and it has been a 97% failure.
I grew up in your standard issue textbook Fundamentalist Christian Monogamous family, my parents and most my family are still strong in that faith. I was a devout monogamist myself until my late teens to early twenties, and discovered the Poly Community in my early thirties. I don't expect everyone to understand this; I know that some people will have a false analogy of Poly for eternity.
Possibly my first encounter with Poly was in the early 1980’s while living in Germany. I was about ten years old and my little brother was going out with twins that lived just around the corner from us. They both knew that he was their sisters’ boyfriends and so did everyone else. It never seemed like it was a big deal to anyone, and that has always stayed with me.
My second encounter to Poly was in the mid 80’s after we moved back to the U.S., which is when I started becoming strong into the church and my faith. We were studying the Old Testament for what we called back then, “Quiz Meets”; a competition among kids to whom knew the word of GOD the best. In the Old Testament; I saw many stories about Polygamy, but I didn’t really think anything about it. The church never actually spoke of it; they seem to have just skipped over it as it was never there.
In the late 80’s to early 90’s I started thinking about having my own Harem, but I never really thought it was actually possible. In the early 90’s I first started living the Poly lifestyle, though I didn’t know it was Poly. My mother had told us to just date until we find the perfect ONE. In high school I was doing just that. The difference between my brother and me at that point; was I chose to be honest to the women I dated, my brother lied and cheated on his women.
Then in 1993 I met my soon to be former first ex-wife. To here her tell it I was dating over 100 girls in school, but it was just shy of that. After I started to court her; she said, “If you’re going to date me, you’re going to have to get rid of ALL those other women, because I am not going to be a number”. I went to the cabin on the lake that weekend with my family and thought it over. I then made one of the biggest mistakes in my life.
The next week; I went from one of the most popular kids in school, to the least. More of the guys liked me because the competition had been eliminated, but that was about it. I didn’t care though, I though I found the perfect ONE! What a crock of crap that was, she turned out to be COO COO and not for COCOA PUFFS. We dated through the remainder of high school, then married and divorced shortly thereafter. I went back to dating, had a kid with an evil woman who used my son as a weapon against me. Then went back to Psycho for religious reasons, had another child which would also be used against me after she cheated on me, got pregnant by an illegal immigrant and then divorced me for him to try and cover up her infidelity.
By then I was in my early twenties and had nothing but a large child support bill hanging over my head. I had no money, my family was a mess and so was I. I worked to pay taxes, child support and had next to nothing left over; so I went into trucking just to survive and I am still driving truck today. Trucking probably saved my life, I still had no money, a broken down car, no house, nothing; but I had a free roof over my head with 18 wheels beneath my feet. They allowed us small cash advances each week while on the road, I lumped loads whenever possible for extra cash; that is how I survived and put food on my plate. If it weren’t for trucking, I would probably be dead or some place truly f***ed up right now.
I decided then that marriage was not for me! Before; I had the whole white picked fence dream as most people do I guess, but that dream had been destroyed. I dated again till 2002; when one out of the three I was dating, told me I had to choose. She would have been my second pick, but my first choice got scared and ran off with someone else. So I moved to Washington State, settled down and did something stupid again; I got married. Even though it didn’t work out this time either, it was a way healthier marriage then the last two attempts. One thing I did learn from Psycho was; if it didn’t work the first time, it more then likely won’t work the second either.
That marriage lasted only a couple years and I am so glad I joined the clip club after my second divorce from Psycho. No more kids, no more child support; something I sometimes wish I would have figured out a lot sooner. Though not being able to give her any children was part of the problem in the last marriage, that and I wasn’t black and her father HATED that. No, there were other issues besides that; I guess we just weren’t meant to be. I loved her and tried to make it work, but the passion just got lost somewhere.
After our separation in 2004 and soon following divorce, I moved back home to the Mid-West and went back to dating as usual. One of the women I dated, I had been dating off and on since my divorce with Psycho and before my mirage with Ayana. She was ready and waiting; she has always been there for me and even though she just didn’t have what it took to tie me down, she has been a major influence on my life. Shortly before she and I started dating again, while looking for an old friend; I bumped into his ex-wife. He had left her and their kids for his drug dealer, and she was moving back home with her parents. So I offered to help her move, and that is where it all began.
While helping her move, she was flirting with me. I tried to blow it off, but it was all I could think about for days. I called her up, confronted her about the situation and told her that there was no wrong answer. She admitted to having feelings for me for years; I told her there was something there but I could not act on anything just yet. I was still married and even though we had been separated for months, I was still somewhat devoted to my wife. She was in the Air Force, she was deployed in Qatar (Iraq) at the time and I didn’t want to be one of these spouses that cheated while my other half was out defending our freedoms (so I thought, but that is another story; ie. the war). So I told the both of them that I had to wait till she got back to the U.S. and see if there were any salvaging this so called relationship we no longer had, I felt I at least owed her that much.
She came back early and I asked her if she wanted to make our marriage work, she gave me the lip service I wanted to hear, but did nothing to repair what was broken; so I moved on. I dated the both of them for about a year; then as in the past, I lost intimate feeling for the one and went back to just being friends. To hear her tell it, she was the one who broke it off; but if that's what makes her happy then that's the way it was. We are still good friends today.
During that year I think I began to find myself. Even though we knew not of Poly, we were living an open V Polyamorous relationship. Though it was more like Polygamy, we were all free to date other; we just pretty much chose to stay the way we were. We all dated others a couple times, but nothing serious; nothing like what we had in our open V relationship. They stayed devoted to me, and I to them.
Proceeding that year of somewhat finding ourselves, I started to look for another as my missing link. I still didn’t know of "Poly", so I couldn’t come out and identify myself as who I was because that was treacherous grounds and I still had no identity. I started talking to this woman and she seemed to be wonderful, two weeks later she told me I was like a candle in the night; I figured it was time to tell her. We had never met, just talked on the phone. I went to the nudist colony that weekend with my girlfriend and when we returned, I broke the news to the other woman; I never herd from her again. I take that back; I went out of my way to apologize to her for not telling her sooner, she gave me enough respect to accept my apology and then never spoke to me again.
After that I swore I would be me and not hold anything back anymore, that is why some may find me intimidating, overwhelming, "Flaming Poly" (overly out of the closet) and/or aggressive. After that catastrophe; my current girlfriend came out of the closet and wanted me to NOT look for someone just for me, but for us. Six years later, I am still looking. That is why my associate calls me the most Poly non-poly person he knows.
July 17th 2006 I bought a domain name called CainOsCloset, to help find a girlfriend for the two of us. Shortly thereafter, my former girlfriend discovered the Poly Community and joined a coupe for an open V Polyfidelity relationship. She told me about Poly, so I got on line and looked it up. I found the Poly test on OKCupid and scored: (86% Poly =) 95% tolerant of the poly lifestyle =) (But... only 15% just in it for the sex =))); I never looked back from there. I took the test again about a year ago and scored 88% Poly, so I have made some improvements and/or I just know the right answers now. In 2008 I learned how to build social networking sites and then turned CainOsCloset into PolyNetworking to help other as well as ourselves. I now have five Poly sites and CainOsCloset was moved to a Swiss dating platform to help others explore their closets and to help introduce my PolyDateLine to the world as one of the several niches we have to offer.
Until 2012 we were still looking for our third, for a closed V Polyfidelity Triad; though I was feeling great despair in our quest. Part of me wanted to hold out for the prize, and part of me was afraid that I am waiting for nothing to happen. In the beginning we were both more gung-ho, but as time move on, it became more like I am the only one looking towards the goal. That was until I was about to give up, then she would say not to give up on her and then she showed more active interest; but that only lasted a short while.
I often wandered if this was a ploy to keep me monogamist to her; or if there is something else she isn’t telling me. What is holding her back, I do not know. The only woman I feel she truly loved and wanted in our relationship, freaked out, hardly speaks to her anymore and wants nothing to do with me; and that was the one whom she says she has had feelings for since they were in their teens. We fooled around with another, and so I think she genuinely feels the way she said she feels, but the subjects of growing our family hardly ever came up anymore; unless I brought them up. The subject now seems to be the fuel for war rather then harmony; I don’t understand what the problem is or what has happened, nor have I found the solution.
So in 2012 I started to weigh the option; I knew Polygamy wouldn't work, even though it is probably the more moral “Poly” way to go (to much jealousy issues there); and neither of us really want to go back to being amorous (probably for the same reasons). I don’t want to loose her but monogamy has not worked in the past either; it seems we are stuck in a stalemate and don't know what to do. Polyfidelity though it was her idea, seems to me like the best option; a win win win solution. I never saw it before and now it seems there is nothing else.
In April 2012, we had reached the point of no return; standing there we both agreed that we didn't like where it was going. We are taken a step back and agree that we have a lot to work on before going in whatever direction. I pretty much know what I want, but she is still struggling; and I struggle with her struggle. She has admitted to struggling with being Poly since the beginning; she did enjoy being with the other woman, but wasn't sure Polyfidelity works for her anymore and was continuing to try in order to make me happy though she knew I didn't want her to be someone she was not. Deep down inside I think I knew and it wasn't making either of us happy, I was just afraid to admit it myself; therefore I was living in denial and maybe I still am.
We are seeking help and another associate has referred us to one of the best Horoscope readers in the world. If anyone wants his number just let me know, he said that we had one of the most unique compatibilities he has seen in years. We have what it takes to make it work, but the Leo and Taurus has a lot of obstacles to hurdle; we are going to add in the kids reading here shortly to truly get a full accurate view and find out what to look for in a third if we decide that's what we both want in the future. We saw a therapist and she said the se7en year mark is where most couples hit real challenges, so this is somewhat normal; but we have only had one session so far.
So I will probably remain one of the most Poly non-poly people others may know, I will mostly be Poly in business and in spirit. She still 'represents' with her GBLT apparel, decor and accessories, I think to tell me she isn't totally giving up; or something... I do know one thing, like Minx, I preach Honesty and Communication in relationships; only I feel I am lacking that in my own. Maybe it's like what Minx found out in her first Poly relationship; "her primaries wife didn't want a triad, she wanted Partnered Non-monogamy." My partner does want to be married; but only to me and she is a Taurus, so I am not so much worried about her loyalty. I did almost loose her this April and that felt like a near death experience to me; I felt I had been run over by the train that I thought was the light at the end of the tunnel.
I think I can be monogamous, it's not the first time; but I would rather it be by my choice and not by force or trickery. We have many obstacles, but I think Poly is the biggest. One of the reasons we struggle is because ever since her family has found out we/I was Poly, they have been trying to break us up; and that hurt us both very deeply. Nearly everyone she knows thinks I being a truck driver, I have a woman in every port and that I am cheating on her while I am out on the road. Only a few have supported us and have faith in both our loyalty in this relationship, my mother being on of them even though she is not an advocate of Poly either.
Being a Leo, Leo's HATE liars and cheaters; we tend to be very loyal too but the Leo tends to lean more toward Poly. Actually I am a Virgo cusp and I appear to be Libra, so that is why most people may have a hard time understanding me; hers is similar but different. She is a Capricorn cusp, she appears to be Aquarius but is Taurus; so we are both very complex in our own ways. We are like three people in one; almost MPD, lol. So now what? I don't know, but hopefully we will figure it out before it is too late. We have agreed that if we work this out; after I get done paying child support in 4 years, we both want to get married (I just hope that wont be another disaster like before, that too has been one of my fears and issues). If we marry now, my child support will most defiantly go up and that will put more strain on our relationship since I am already paying over a grand a month and she only gets less then a hundred a month to support her two; we have to make up the difference and that too is a lot of strain. But if we make it, she wants to have a small wedding and I want ALL our friends and family; at least those who don't discriminate against us. So that may not be very many...
So any words of wisdom, encouragement, and/or recourses will be most welcome, so long as it is constructive; your prayers are appreciated too. I will have to go back and listen to all the PolyWeekly pod casts again, as well as my relationship books and recourses. Time will tell, my business partner says he and his wife nearly divorced like three times and they made it so far like 40 years; so there is hope yet. Thank you so much, CainO'
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